I'm happy to say that my first post will be a happy one. Today was a relaxing day. I was supposed to go get some fabric softener and detergent but I chose to not stress on a Sunday. I woke up, had some tea, played a little bit of video games, studied and then made a delicious spinach salad with balsamic vinegar and macaroni and cheese with hot dogs and asparagus.

As for my train of thoughts, today I was talking to a friend who has her own set of issues. This friend is a beautiful girl who has everything going for her and for some reason, while we were talking, I went to look at myself in the mirror. The first thought that came in to my head is how ugly I am and that when we are together in public, my ugliness in multiplied by ten next to her. Somehow, I found the will to push that thought back. I tried to think about the features that I like about myself and that worked of a while...

Until I took off my shirt and stared and my almost naked torso. The acne on my shoulders made me think of awful things and my not-bikini body made me almost puke. I decided that I wasn't going to eat for the day, no matter how much my body asks for it. And so, that's what I did. Until late evening, I survived of water, tea and cigarettes. In fact, I was chain-smoking. And then it hit me, I'm taking steps back instead of steps forward. I had decided a few days ago that I was not going to let my past define my present, I was not going to blame the people who have wronged me for my issues. It was time to grow up. Once I realized that it was time to how I looked, I made the dinner that I had previously decided I was not going to eat, and I enjoyed every bite of it. I am moving forward, I will accept my appearance as long as I am a healthy eighteen year old girl.

Unfortunately, I had to stop myself from going to look at myself after dinner because I was terrified that I might be disappointed for the second time today. One step at a time...
Some people say having an eating disorder is about having control but I don't believe that. In fact, I think it takes control not to give in to the urge of starving oneself or of puking what's inside your stomach.
I don't think that I've ever had an eating disorder. I mean, I have stopped myself from indulging in something that I want but it has never hit the point where I would harm my body.

In any case, today was a good day for me. I still believe that I am not pretty but I am working towards getting past that.