Hell-o.
That should give you a pretty good indication of how my day went. I don't really have anything to say except that it was a long day. I had forgotten my glasses at the gym yesterday and so I woke up with a massive headache. I had classes from eight to four, and my first break was at ten-thirty. In other words, I went to my math class and I didn't learn a single thing as I could barely see the board or even hear the teacher over the heartbeat in my ears. Of course, to deal with the pain, I chain-smoked. When I finally got my glasses, my head was pounding so hard that I could barely hold myself up.
Every second, felt like a minute and every minute, felt like a century. Yup, it was pretty shitty. In any case, I'm home. (Finally!) and I was supposed to cook for the family and do the dishes but I'm far too tired. Either way, I have a pretty full day tomorrow and I'm semi-excited. I mean, I get to see the boy who did the cover. It will probably end in a self-loathing session but I can't help it, I'm totally infatuated!
2/5/13
2/4/13
Today was an okay day... I mean, it wasn't a terribly awful day but I can't say that if I had a chance to re-live it, I would. Do you know what I mean? I'm sure that you've had those days where nothing horrible happened but that you were happy it was over. (Story of our lives, right?!)
So let us begin with the morning. I woke up in time for school but somehow ended up being late for class and that's never fun. The only seat that was available was next to this guy that I've talked to a maximum of three times. That may seem like a small detail but you should know that I'm infatuated with him to the extent that I think it may not even be healthy. In any case, I sat down next to him and made some small talk. Somehow, we ended up talking about the fact that he was in a band. I had seen a video of them covering Pink Floyd's very own Wish You Were Here. This is how our conversation went:
"I saw your cover."
"Really? What'd you think of it?"
"Honestly, before I watched it, I had mentally told myself that this song would make you or break you. It's a very classic tune and if you preform it, it better be good and I must commend you on a job well done. It wasn't the best cover I had ever heard but it wasn't half bad. It definitely made you. It was really good..."
And then I just continued on about nothing in particular. I was incoherent and probably boring. I can't even remember how I ended up stopping, I think he may have asked me to stop. Or maybe the class had started... Half-way through my ramble, I could hear a little voice in my head telling me to shut the fuck up, but I couldn't get my mouth to stop moving.
That's when the dissection started. Why did I sit next to him? Why would I say that he's not the best I ever heard? Why the fuck was I even talking to him?
This is the part where I dissect the conversation so much that it becomes a little deformed in my head. I block out some parts, guilt-trip myself about others and overall, make myself feel like a complete and utter idiot.
Why had I started talking to him? Shouldn't I have played it cool and waited for him to talk to me? Am I such an idiot that I cannot have a normal conversation with a boy? It could go on and on and on...
And then comes the despair. At this point, when I have gone over the conversation so many times that I can't find a new way to insult myself, I go on to telling myself that it's okay. It's okay because even if I hadn't fucked up, it wouldn't matter because no one could learn to love me.
Why would they? I'm a hyper-rational eighteen year old (except when it comes to myself) who acts like a forty-five year old. I'm incapable of taking a leap of faith, I have a very weird perspective on life and I am not even that pretty. I hate people, I have a lot of walls and I'm a faker. I don't believe in social norms nor the education system, yet not only do I conform to them, I excel at them. I mother people and I am extremely sensitive. That is but a short list of things that I despise about myself.
I think it goes without saying that I was in a bitter mood for the rest of the day. So, to sum up, I went to talk to a poor unsuspecting guy and, somehow, ended up completely destroying the last few shreds of my self-esteem. But hey, I didn't need them anyway!
And then I mother. I say it like that because I absolutely hate mothering but find that it's an impulse. For example, today I knew one of my friends hadn't eaten all day so I bought her a lunch and left in her locker for when she got out of class. I didn't do it to be sweet, I did it because I felt the need to do it. It hurts me to learn that someone isn't taking care of themselves.
Now that I've written all of this out, I feel kind of stupid. I feel really dumb. Holy shit, I feel like a simpleton. And you know what? Instead of going on a completely ridiculous angry rant about how dumb I am, I'm going to breath and get over it.
I am a good person. I am pretty, even if it is on the inside. I will not search for love from random guys who I barely know. I will grow. I will get past this.
So let us begin with the morning. I woke up in time for school but somehow ended up being late for class and that's never fun. The only seat that was available was next to this guy that I've talked to a maximum of three times. That may seem like a small detail but you should know that I'm infatuated with him to the extent that I think it may not even be healthy. In any case, I sat down next to him and made some small talk. Somehow, we ended up talking about the fact that he was in a band. I had seen a video of them covering Pink Floyd's very own Wish You Were Here. This is how our conversation went:
"I saw your cover."
"Really? What'd you think of it?"
"Honestly, before I watched it, I had mentally told myself that this song would make you or break you. It's a very classic tune and if you preform it, it better be good and I must commend you on a job well done. It wasn't the best cover I had ever heard but it wasn't half bad. It definitely made you. It was really good..."
And then I just continued on about nothing in particular. I was incoherent and probably boring. I can't even remember how I ended up stopping, I think he may have asked me to stop. Or maybe the class had started... Half-way through my ramble, I could hear a little voice in my head telling me to shut the fuck up, but I couldn't get my mouth to stop moving.
That's when the dissection started. Why did I sit next to him? Why would I say that he's not the best I ever heard? Why the fuck was I even talking to him?
This is the part where I dissect the conversation so much that it becomes a little deformed in my head. I block out some parts, guilt-trip myself about others and overall, make myself feel like a complete and utter idiot.
Why had I started talking to him? Shouldn't I have played it cool and waited for him to talk to me? Am I such an idiot that I cannot have a normal conversation with a boy? It could go on and on and on...
And then comes the despair. At this point, when I have gone over the conversation so many times that I can't find a new way to insult myself, I go on to telling myself that it's okay. It's okay because even if I hadn't fucked up, it wouldn't matter because no one could learn to love me.
Why would they? I'm a hyper-rational eighteen year old (except when it comes to myself) who acts like a forty-five year old. I'm incapable of taking a leap of faith, I have a very weird perspective on life and I am not even that pretty. I hate people, I have a lot of walls and I'm a faker. I don't believe in social norms nor the education system, yet not only do I conform to them, I excel at them. I mother people and I am extremely sensitive. That is but a short list of things that I despise about myself.
I think it goes without saying that I was in a bitter mood for the rest of the day. So, to sum up, I went to talk to a poor unsuspecting guy and, somehow, ended up completely destroying the last few shreds of my self-esteem. But hey, I didn't need them anyway!
And then I mother. I say it like that because I absolutely hate mothering but find that it's an impulse. For example, today I knew one of my friends hadn't eaten all day so I bought her a lunch and left in her locker for when she got out of class. I didn't do it to be sweet, I did it because I felt the need to do it. It hurts me to learn that someone isn't taking care of themselves.
Now that I've written all of this out, I feel kind of stupid. I feel really dumb. Holy shit, I feel like a simpleton. And you know what? Instead of going on a completely ridiculous angry rant about how dumb I am, I'm going to breath and get over it.
I am a good person. I am pretty, even if it is on the inside. I will not search for love from random guys who I barely know. I will grow. I will get past this.
2/3/13
I'm happy to say that my first post will be a happy one. Today was a relaxing day. I was supposed to go get some fabric softener and detergent but I chose to not stress on a Sunday. I woke up, had some tea, played a little bit of video games, studied and then made a delicious spinach salad with balsamic vinegar and macaroni and cheese with hot dogs and asparagus.
As for my train of thoughts, today I was talking to a friend who has her own set of issues. This friend is a beautiful girl who has everything going for her and for some reason, while we were talking, I went to look at myself in the mirror. The first thought that came in to my head is how ugly I am and that when we are together in public, my ugliness in multiplied by ten next to her. Somehow, I found the will to push that thought back. I tried to think about the features that I like about myself and that worked of a while...
Until I took off my shirt and stared and my almost naked torso. The acne on my shoulders made me think of awful things and my not-bikini body made me almost puke. I decided that I wasn't going to eat for the day, no matter how much my body asks for it. And so, that's what I did. Until late evening, I survived of water, tea and cigarettes. In fact, I was chain-smoking. And then it hit me, I'm taking steps back instead of steps forward. I had decided a few days ago that I was not going to let my past define my present, I was not going to blame the people who have wronged me for my issues. It was time to grow up. Once I realized that it was time to how I looked, I made the dinner that I had previously decided I was not going to eat, and I enjoyed every bite of it. I am moving forward, I will accept my appearance as long as I am a healthy eighteen year old girl.
Unfortunately, I had to stop myself from going to look at myself after dinner because I was terrified that I might be disappointed for the second time today. One step at a time...
Some people say having an eating disorder is about having control but I don't believe that. In fact, I think it takes control not to give in to the urge of starving oneself or of puking what's inside your stomach.
I don't think that I've ever had an eating disorder. I mean, I have stopped myself from indulging in something that I want but it has never hit the point where I would harm my body.
In any case, today was a good day for me. I still believe that I am not pretty but I am working towards getting past that.
As for my train of thoughts, today I was talking to a friend who has her own set of issues. This friend is a beautiful girl who has everything going for her and for some reason, while we were talking, I went to look at myself in the mirror. The first thought that came in to my head is how ugly I am and that when we are together in public, my ugliness in multiplied by ten next to her. Somehow, I found the will to push that thought back. I tried to think about the features that I like about myself and that worked of a while...
Until I took off my shirt and stared and my almost naked torso. The acne on my shoulders made me think of awful things and my not-bikini body made me almost puke. I decided that I wasn't going to eat for the day, no matter how much my body asks for it. And so, that's what I did. Until late evening, I survived of water, tea and cigarettes. In fact, I was chain-smoking. And then it hit me, I'm taking steps back instead of steps forward. I had decided a few days ago that I was not going to let my past define my present, I was not going to blame the people who have wronged me for my issues. It was time to grow up. Once I realized that it was time to how I looked, I made the dinner that I had previously decided I was not going to eat, and I enjoyed every bite of it. I am moving forward, I will accept my appearance as long as I am a healthy eighteen year old girl.
Unfortunately, I had to stop myself from going to look at myself after dinner because I was terrified that I might be disappointed for the second time today. One step at a time...
Some people say having an eating disorder is about having control but I don't believe that. In fact, I think it takes control not to give in to the urge of starving oneself or of puking what's inside your stomach.
I don't think that I've ever had an eating disorder. I mean, I have stopped myself from indulging in something that I want but it has never hit the point where I would harm my body.
In any case, today was a good day for me. I still believe that I am not pretty but I am working towards getting past that.
2/2/13
Hey,
What's good? So, I'm blogging. To be honest, I've attempted to blog more than once but have failed every time. I don't exactly know why, but I think it has to do with the fact that I'm an overachiever and a perfectionist. And so, when I re-read my posts a day later, I feel the need to tweak it until I get this feeling that it will never be good enough.
In any case, that will not be happening anymore because I'm on this journey of goodness and righteousness. This blog will be where I write when I start to lose hope, when I start to blame my past for my present... Whenever I simply drift off to that dark place that I'm trying to suppress.
Anyway, this is just an introduction.
I hope to use this as an outlet.
What's good? So, I'm blogging. To be honest, I've attempted to blog more than once but have failed every time. I don't exactly know why, but I think it has to do with the fact that I'm an overachiever and a perfectionist. And so, when I re-read my posts a day later, I feel the need to tweak it until I get this feeling that it will never be good enough.
In any case, that will not be happening anymore because I'm on this journey of goodness and righteousness. This blog will be where I write when I start to lose hope, when I start to blame my past for my present... Whenever I simply drift off to that dark place that I'm trying to suppress.
Anyway, this is just an introduction.
I hope to use this as an outlet.
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